The Voices In My Head: O'Riley's World, the column

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THE BEST OF O'RILEY'S WORLD, THE COLUMN

Predictions for The New Year and Beyond

Tim O'Riley

Everybody's always asking my opinion about things. Politics, the weather, sports, "does this make me look fat?" Little do they know I'm one of (if not the) most uninformed people on the planet. Apathy, not ignorance, is my bliss. Still, I'm quick to offer my opinion, and I give it freely, because that's exactly what it's worth.

While my opinions may sometimes miss the mark, my predictions rarely do. Therefore, here are my top ten predictions for the coming year. This is stuff, my friends, you can take to the bank.

It will be discovered that ten small women have been living inside the body of Roseanne Barr Arnold What's-Her-Name, dispelling rumors that she's just a fat woman with multiple personality disorder.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley will reunite by midyear and she will give birth to a child. Though it is unclear at this time what the baby's sex will be, it will be born with interchangeable parts, just like its daddy.

Bill Clinton will finally admit to his involvement in Whitewater, the Paula Jones affair, the death of Vince Foster, TravelGate, and the creation of the Arch Deluxe.

In a move that rocks the theological world, Pope John Paul will resign the papacy and begin a successful career as a standup comic. He will land his own sitcom on the Fox network called "Chico and the Pope."

Sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres will admit that she's a lesbian this year, which simply means that now BOTH sexes can find her really unattractive.

Kathie Lee Gifford will quit her TV show and drop from sight, never to be heard from again. This isn't a prediction, just blind hope on my part.

A local writer/humorist will be caught up in a sex scandal involving actress Sandra Bullock and country music singer Faith Hill. Again, blind hope.

It is discovered that PLO Chief Yassir Arafat and Beatles drummer Ringo Starr are one and the same. Yassir/Ringo reluctantly resigns his post after a thwarted assassination attempt by some guy who thought the movie Yellow Submarine really sucked.

Elvis Presley fans rejoice when it is learned that their idol is alive and well and living under the name Jimmy Hoffa in Butte, Montana. He managed to stay underground for so long because he knew nobody would come looking for Jimmy Hoffa. Before Hoffa he used the alias Pauly Shore.

It will be revealed by year's end that Bill Gates is really the Antichrist, that Windows is a hypnotic program that steals the user's soul, and that Microsoft is really hell on earth, something Mac users have been saying for - hey - what the hell's - happening - to - myyyyy - com - pu - terrrrrrrrrrrr.......

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